Bad Sex
by TVTime
Summary: This isn't a smut story. It's a sexual comedy, but it is sexually explicit for comedic effect. The focus for this series will be on lighthearted sexual misadventures with an emphasis on humor, not eroticism, romance, fluff, etc. In the second installment Scott and Stiles take their friendship to the next level...there are some hiccups along the way.
1. Chapter 1: Liam & Hayden

_A/N:_ This _isn_ _'t_ a smut story. It's a sexual comedy, but it is sexually explicit for comedic effect. In this first installment Liam and Hayden engage in some kink negotiations.

 **Bad Sex**

 **Chapter 1: Liam & Hayden**

Liam grazed his mouth over Hayden's and brushed the hair back over her shoulder. "Are you ready to take the next step?"

She closed her eyes and nodded against his face.

Excitement surged through Liam's body. They had been dating for over a month and this would be their first time. He shucked his shirt over his head and leaned forward to resume their make-out session.

"Wait." She pressed her hand against the warm swell of muscles lining his hard, hairy chest.

"Is this your first time?" He asked, his voice as gentle as he could make it.

"No." She shook her head and gave him a coy smile. "Actually I've done it a lot."

"Nice!" Liam nodded, appreciating that she was experienced.

"Yes, and I know exactly what I need to get me off."

"Perfect." He covered her hand with his own and squeezed her fingers. "I don't wanna do this unless it's good for both of us. Please, tell me what you need."

Hayden took a deep breath and went for it. "Okay, I know this may sound strange, but I can only climax if the _Frozen_ soundtrack is playing in the background."

"In that case crank up the music and let it go!" Liam declared.

"Thanks." Hayden grinned, relieved he wasn't turned off. "Also, I'm going to need to face east."

"Positioning is everything for some people," Liam agreed with a smile. "But no problem here. North, south, east, or west, I'm just happy to get laid."

"And I'll need three fingers up my butt."

"Hey, I'm game."

"Also, I have to top," Hayden said with a crisp nod.

"Wait what?" Liam furrowed his brow.

"Yeah, if we do this I'm going to have to fuck you with a strap-on. Otherwise it just won't be worth it."

Liam shrugged. "Well I've always heard prostate stimulation is very pleasurable, so I'll give it a try."

"While we're fucking talk dirty to me in a French accent, but when you start to cum scream my name in a Spanish one."

"Castilian or Mexican?"

"Columbian."

"That'll be so hot!"

"Oh, and you have to ask permission before you cum."

"Kinky!"

"With at least thirty minutes prior notice."

"Oh...well sure."

"And please estimate the amount of semen you'll be ejaculating. Just a ballpark figure is fine."

"It's usually between three and five ropes and then a little dribble, but with all that prostate stimulation I'm gonna guess six ropes and maybe a trickling spurt or two."

"And you have to curl your toes during your orgasm."

"I always do." Liam winked.

"Into my initials."

"Can I use my claws for extra length?"

"If that helps," she answered. "Oh, and last thing. I want to light some scented candles."

"Scented candles!?" Liam gasped and recoiled.

"Yes, just out of the way, maybe on a desk across the room or something."

Liam folded his arms and scowled. "That would kill the mood for me."

"But you can pick the fragrance."

"Not happening."

"And you won't reconsider?" Hayden frowned.

Liam's face softened. It wasn't her fault they were sexually incompatible. "I'm sorry. I just can't. I probably won't even be able to get it up with scented candles in the room."

"Dammit! I really wanted to do this." She sighed with disappointment, but then her face brightened. "Oh well, I guess when I get home I'll just put on some crotchless sweatpants and masturbate to 90s music videos."

Liam smiled and nodded. "As will I."

 **-000-**

 **End Note:** I hope you guys enjoyed this story and got a little chuckle out of it. Feedback is greatly appreciated!

If there's sufficient interest I may post more installments featuring other character pairings. I have an idea for a Scott/Stiles chapter in which they decide to take their friendship to the next level...but then discover they're both _really_ not into it once it starts happening. I have a few other half-ideas swirling around my head and welcome prompts involving almost any combination of consenting characters. The main thing is that the focus for this series will be on lighthearted sexual _misadventures_ with an emphasis on humor, not eroticism, romance, fluff, angst, or drama.


	2. Chapter 2: Scott & Stiles

**Bad Sex**

 **Chapter 2: Scott & Stiles**

The mattress dipped as Scott settled in across from Stiles on the bed. Both guys were naked and erect in anticipation of what they were about to do.

The day before they had talked things out and decided to take their friendship to the next level. There was no reason to wait – it wasn't as though they needed to get to know each other better or as if they could be any more sure of their feelings – so they had made plans to have sex for the first time today since it was Saturday and they could spend the whole afternoon and evening together.

Scott leaned forward and pressed his lips to Stiles'. It was hot for the first few seconds, but Scott soon dissolved into laughter and pulled away.

"What?" Stiles frowned and folded his arms over his bare chest. "What is it?"

"It's just I'm kissing you. _You_." Scott shrugged and sat back on his ankles. "It's kinda funny."

"It's supposed to be sexy." Stiles glared hard at Scott to keep the amused smirk that was tugging at his lips from forming.

"It is sexy! Just...you know, in a funny way." Scott tilted his head and raised himself back up on his knees. "Why don't you kiss me this time."

"Okay." Stiles laid a hand on Scott's shoulder as he too climbed up on his knees and edged forward until he was close enough to seal his lips over Scott's. The change in positions made their nude bodies press together and all Stiles could think about was meat. "Mmmm!"

Warmth crept up Scott's chest as Stiles moaned, but it gradually cooled into confusion as Stiles kept moaning...in a weird way...in the way that he always did when he ate something he was enjoying it. Scott pulled back and broke the kiss. "Dude, what? You sound like you wanna eat my tongue."

"What did you have for lunch?"

"A cheeseburger."

"I knew it!" Stiles snapped his fingers triumphantly. "I can taste it."

"Oh god, that's so gross. I'm sorry. I'll go brush my teeth."

"No, it's fine. Actually, we should hit the drive through when we're done here."

"Yeah, okay sure."

Stiles leaned forward but Scott stopped him with a hand on his chest. "What are you doing?"

"Getting back to making out?"

Scott shook his head and sat back on his ankles again. "Sorry, but now it's weird. It's like, I don't know if you're here for me or the cheeseburger."

"Okay, you wanna stop making out and go on to other stuff?" Stiles asked. "You can play with my nipples."

"Why would I want to play with your nipples?" Scott asked.

"Harsh man. Harsh."

"No like, they're nice nipples but..." Scott shrugged.

"You always talked about Allison's nipples."

"I didn't _always_ talk about Allison's nipples."

"No, sometimes you talked about her pu–"

"Hey!"

"Her _pursuit_ of excellence."

"Oh."

"And her vagina."

Scott grumbled and narrowed his eyes on Stiles.

"Look, let's just do some oral. Lie back. I wanna suck your cock."

A wave of disappointment crashed over Scott, but he complied, sprawling back across the bed as he muttered, "Well if you want to."

Stiles stopped on hands and knees and looked up from Scott's erection to his face. "Do you not want me to?"

"It's not really my thing, but like, if you'll have fun go ahead. I just probably won't get much out of it."

"I was hoping to get something out of it," Stiles answered with a smirk.

"Yeah, go ahead."

"No, I was hoping to _get something out of it_." Stiles gave Scott's cock a gentle tug and waggled his eyebrows.

"Oh. Probably not gonna happen. I've never cum that way before."

"Well maybe Isaac and Allison just didn't know what they were doing."

Scott shook his head. "I don't think that's it. She used to make him cum with her mouth all the time, and we could both get her off with our tongues. I think I just don't like being on the receiving end of oral as much as most people."

Stiles sighed and got out of position, motioning for Scott to get up too. "This isn't going very well."

"No, no, don't say that! This is great. Why don't I blow you instead?"

"Did you used to blow Isaac?" Stiles asked suspiciously.

"All the time. He loved it."

"See that's what I was afraid of. Now the whole time you're doing it, I'm just gonna be picturing Isaac – all naked except for a scarf with your face buried in his lap. It isn't a good visual."

"If it helps, Isaac seldom wears scarves when he's getting blow jobs. I mean sometimes when he wants to feel fancy but..." Scott shrugged.

"I'm still gonna pass." Stiles' mind wandered to a different topic, and he cleared his throat. "Hey Scott, just out of curiosity, how do me and Isaac compare?"

"Isaac's taller but you have more personality," Scott answered.

"I was talking about out cocks."

"So was I."

Stiles arched his eyebrows at Scott. "My cock has a lot of personality?"

"Yeah, look at that thing!" Scott grinned and pointed at Stiles' erection. "I half expect it to start singing in a funny accent."

"...You may be disappointed."

"Nope, I'm already totally enjoying its personality." Scott's eyes lit up and he grinned at Stiles' manhood. "But if you could maybe learn ventriloquism and put on a show..."

"Yeah, I'll see what I can do. In the meantime let's just have anal. You still wanna fuck me like we talked about yesterday right?"

"Absolutely, this is gonna be so hot! Like the time me and Isaac had that Allison-fucking competition."

Stiles' eyes widened at the unexpected level of objectification in that statement. "Whoa! What did she think of that?"

"Oh it was her idea."

Stiles relaxed a little. "So who won?"

Scott smirked. "Well Allison obviously."

Five minutes later Stiles was lubed up and ready to go. He lay back on the bed, his ankles on Scott's shoulders. They both moaned as Scott penetrated him, and for the first few minutes everything was going great, but then Scott crinkled his nose and cringed.

"What is it?" Stiles asked, sliding lower on the bed to meet Scott's thrust.

"Nothing," Scott answered, awkwardly making another thrust and grimacing.

" _Scott_. I know you better than that. Come on, what is it?"

Scott sighed and stopped moving. "Okay, you remember when we were ten and we went to that city fair and rode the Ferris wheel, and we got stuck at the top, and–"

Stiles held up both hands and waved Scott off, desperate to make him stop talking. "Yeah, I remember that."

"And you pooped your pants really bad because you had been eating junk food all day and you were kinda scared."

Stiles glared at him and lowered his foot to Scott's chest to stop him as he started to thrust again. "What about it?"

"I keep thinking about it." Scott shook his head and gave Stiles' ass a disgusted look. "You know while I'm...I mean I know it was a long time ago and you couldn't help it...and it's not like I've never had an accident either but–"

"Scott, do you want to stop fucking me?"

"Yes please."

Stiles growled in frustration as he climbed off Scott's dick. "I give up. We're just not meant to have sex."

"No!" Scott shook his head vigorously and patted Stiles' back. "I really want this. I want you. I want to have sex with my best friend."

"I want it too, but it's just not working out."

"Well how 'bout if you fuck me?"

Stiles nodded and stroked his erection. "That could work."

Scott grinned and got on his hands and knees, presenting his ass to Stiles.

Stiles gasped and looked away, hands raised. "Holy fuck, Scotty! Do you _ever_ shave back here?"

Scott shrugged and shook his head as he looked back over his shoulder at Stiles. "Nope, never have before."

"It's like a fucking jungle. I can't even _see_ your hole."

"It's in the normal place. Just poke around. You'll find it."

"Why didn't you get it ready before you came over? You knew we were having sex." Stiles reluctantly lubed a finger and entered Scott's black forest, prodding around his crack until he found his opening.

" _You_ were the one who was going to be bottoming. Besides, Isaac used to get really turned on by my hairy ass."

"Isaac's gross."

"Allison did too."

"Allison didn't have to fuck it."

"Well she didn't _have_ to, but she certainly had fun doing it."

"Uhm, what?!"

"Pegging, dude. It's such a rush getting fucked by your girlfriend."

"Well I guess I'm just a weirdo for preferring to be able to see what I'm doing," Stiles said, blindly exploring Scott's hidden cave.

Scott groaned and got up. "Let's just rub cocks," he said as he turned back around to face Stiles.

"Yeah okay."

They lubed up their erections and slid them against each other, but then...

"Shroom! Schwip! Schrum!"

"Stiles, stop it. We're not having a lightsaber fight."

"We could."

"I wanna get off."

"That's how we'll decide who the winner is!"

"But one of us could lose a hand."

"You know these aren't actual lightsabers, right?"

"Oh yeah."

After a few more shrums and schwips against Scott's cock, Stiles was bored. "Hey, I know. Let's do that thing we used to always do at sleepovers."

"You mean where we would turn off the lights and pretend to be asleep while we jerked off under the covers."

"Exactly!"

Scott turned off the lights and they got in bed. Three minutes of fake snoring later and they had both made a mess in Scott's sheets.

"That was pretty good," Scott said, settling back against his pillow.

"I know right?!" Stiles grinned and high-fived Scott. "We should have another pretend sleepover tomorrow."

"Okay, but it'll have to be a pretend nap because I have a shift at Deaton's tomorrow evening."

"That works for me."

"Stiles, do you think our sex life is gonna be weird?"

"Nah, I bet a lot of people have sex this way. It just doesn't make for good porn so you never see it."

Scott nodded. "Yeah, that makes sense."

 **-000-**

 **End Note:** I hope you guys enjoyed this story and got a little chuckle out of it. Feedback is greatly appreciated!

This is the last installment I have planned for this series, but I'm open to doing more if anyone has any requests. M/M, F/M, and F/F are all welcome, but the key thing of course is that it must be for a humorous experience rather than an erotic one, and I'd prefer to use characters other than Liam, Hayden, Scott, and Stiles for future installments since they've already been used.


End file.
